The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
