in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
