I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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