Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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