just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
