ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
The ass gains better be worth it
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
