oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
