woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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