I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
