I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
