You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
