This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
