I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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