New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
it glows. i had to have it.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
