Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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