Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
