Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
