My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
