My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
