after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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