I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
