Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
