uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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