Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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