So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I had to cum in my sink.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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