a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
