i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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