ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
