Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
