quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just found puke in my bra..
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
