Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
