I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
