We got so high we made milksteak
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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