I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
