I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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