I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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