I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
