New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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