We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my sisters under your porch take her home
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
