If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
