Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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