bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
