Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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