I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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