i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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