I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
