pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
