tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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