My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
