My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
