if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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